HOPE
by Darkangel81
Summary: Some of Logan's experiences right after the accident. A little bit of ML later on.COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

I've written this ages ago- and finally finished it. It's pretty short and probably pretty bad, too.   
  
Anyway: This is for the birthday girl! HERZLICHEN GLUECKWUNSCH!  
  
HOPE  
  
Logan lay in the hospital room, motionless. He didn't know what time it was and he honestly didn't care. Why should it matter to him?  
  
He was trapped and helpless, pain consumed his wake hours, and nightmares awaited him when he closed his eyes. It was just so hard to figure out what was the less of the two evils.   
  
Probably the pain. At least it kept him in the here and now, didn't make him relive that day over and over again. It didn't make him wake up, bathed in cold sweat, breathing heavily, his chest almost bursting, guilt consuming him.  
  
He couldn't tell for how long he had been lying in this bed. He didn't have the strength to ask, either. It didn't matter. He hadn't talked to any of the staff, he endured their administrations with a stony face and gritted teeth. He felt like as long as he didn't get in touch with anybody around him, it wasn't real, as long as he stayed behind his walls, he could pretend that this wasn't happening to him. Of course, it didn't make any sense, but right now, his entire life didn't make any sense.  
  
"Morning!" Logan didn't look up. He stared at the ceiling like he had done for countless hours. He was too weak and too exhausted to even watch TV.  
  
"My name's Bling. Dr. Carr asked me to stop by." Logan didn't react and the tall, muscular man nodded to himself. The nurses had warned him. He took in the injured man's appearance. The face looked haggard and pale, dark circles under his dull, hollow, and lifeless green-blue eyes. Bling knew that this was going to be a hard piece of work, but he was not one to give up easily.  
  
"Listen, man, you have been here for almost three weeks now and you need to get started with living again. We'll take it easy. If you are in too much pain, tell me. But you seriously gotta get out of this bed asap."  
  
Still no reaction.  
  
Bling sighed and then opened the curtains to let some strays of the sun into the room. Logan squinted and closed his eyes for a moment. Then he continued his staring contest with the ceiling.  
  
"Today all we do is sit up, just for a moment, to allow your system to get used to it again. You might start to feel dizzy, then just let me know, okay?"  
  
Bling worked with Logan for half an hour, he patiently explained what he was doing, but he had given up on expecting a response. When he was done he moved a chair closer to the bed and sat down, watching Logan intently. He sure was handsome, but he also was in desperate need of a shave.  
  
"What do you say, man. We'll clean you up little, to give the nurses something to look at in here?" he stood up again. "Actually your aunt and uncle announced themselves for the afternoon."  
  
The guy in the bed flinched at those words  
  
"You'll see, it's gonna do you some good to see some people, especially family."  
  
The guy's eyes turned even darker if the was possible at all." Bling frowned in confusion. He was sorry for this young man, but the act he put on wasn't going to solve anything. And it was his job to make him look forward again, to make him see life was still worth living.  
  
Bling continued to talk to Logan while he looked through the cabinet in the little bathroom for a shaver. "Man, do you have any of your stuff here?" He leaned against the doorframe and addressed him with his name for the first time. "Logan!"  
  
Finally the blond guy looked up and at the other man, in a hoarse and weak voice, that sounded like it hadn't been used for a long time, which probably was true, he explained. "I don't know, I guess not."  
  
"Don't you have somebody to take care of the kind of stuff? Girlfriend? Friends? Family? You've been here for more than two weeks!" Bling couldn't believe it. How could that guy's family not show up for two weeks?  
  
"Do you want me to call your uncle and ask him to pass by at your place and get the most important stuff? Or do you want me to get it?"  
  
"I don't know where they put my keys and things I had with me when…"  
  
"I do know." Bling said quickly when he felt that Logan was at a loss.  
  
"Then please get it," he said quietly. "I don't want Jonas to sniff around in my apartment." Logan's head was suddenly spinning. The informant net! With Peter gone nobody was there to protect it!  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"I need to go to my place!" Logan tried to sit up, spots starting to dance in front of his eyes, searing pain shooting up and down his back.  
  
"Wait, wait wait. Stop it, you can't just get up!"  
  
You don't understand, I need to…" Logan pushed himself further up, sweat pouring down his face, his breath coming in painful gasps. Next to the pain there was a weird sensation he hadn't paid any attention to when Bling had helped him sit up earlier. He felt like he was floating, unable to sense where his body was. He gasped again. Suddenly all his strength ebbed away and he sank back, looking up at the therapist in panic and confusion.  
  
"You need to take it easy, man. I'm here to help, but you have to listen to me and you'll have to trust me." Bling's voice was soothing and calming.  
  
Logan realized he had no choice, maybe Bling was his chance to eventually find out what was going on, to make sense of all this craziness. So he finally nodded. "Okay. When you get to my apartment, the bathroom is…" He described to Bling where he would find everything Logan needed.  
  
"I'll be back in an hour."  
  
Logan sank back, now grateful for the minutes of companionship. But now he felt himself slip back to the dark place of pain, horror and loneliness. He didn't have the power to fight it off.  
  
**  
  
Bling returned quickly, worrying about his new patient. He had seen plenty of cases like Logan's. But this guy seemed to take it harder than anybody else. It was like he was carrying much more weight on his shoulders than he could bear, much more weight than his injury brought with it – and he seemed to be all alone.  
  
The nurses had told him that there had been a dark-haired girl once, very beautiful, but she had disappeared and never returned. The staff assumed that she had been freaked out by his condition. That happened more often than they liked to tell.  
  
Apart from her, nobody had ever been there.  
  
Bling entered the room, acting cheerful. "I'm back! Found everything you asked for, and now let's get you cleaned up."  
  
Logan's jaw tightened visibly, but he didn't say a word when Bling shaved him and washed his hair. The nurses had done that before, but Logan hadn't helped them in any way and soon they had started to do only the most important things as they sensed how uncomfortable it made him feel.  
  
When Bling helped Logan into a fresh shirt Logan thought he would die from the excruciating pain combined with the embarrassment and feeling of vulnerability. But Bling didn't make a big deal out of it and Logan was in no condition to argue anyway.  
  
**  
  
Bling stayed with Logan for the next hour, carefully trying to break down the wall Logan had built up between him and the rest of the world. It was slow going and Bling soon had to realize that one wrong word, or even how he stressed something might send them back to square one immediately.  
  
"Mr Cale, somebody's here for you." A young, blond nurse gently announced the visitors.  
  
Logan's heart suddenly beat faster and his breath came harder. "I don't wanna see them," he explained in a whispered voice. "I can't…"  
  
"Logan, it's gonna be okay, they are your family," Bling soothed him. "It's gonna do you some good to see them."  
  
Logan shook his head, but Bling didn't seem to understand. Instead, he stood up, making a move to leave the room. "Can you stay?" Logan asked quickly, his voice sounding desperate. "Please."  
  
"Of course." Bling didn't quite understand, but he wanted to gain Logan's trust, maybe that was the first step.  
  
TBC  
  
As I said, there is not gonna be much action, I hope there is somebody out there who still liked it!!!  
  
Please let me know! 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! This really helps to continue.  
  
I really am not that happy with some passages in this chapter, as I wasn't quite sure Logan's in character. But he's been through a lot, so who can blame him for acting unreasonable, right?  
  
Disclaimer: the same as always, the characters don't belong to me, so please don't sue.  
  
HAVE FUN!!!  
  
**  
  
HOPE 2  
  
Logan swallowed hard and closed his eyes. He had threatened that very moment ever since his head had been clear enough to form coherent thoughts.  
  
"Knock, knock." Margo burst into the room, her husband on her heels, a huge smile blasted on his face. Logan had always been able to tell how many drinks he'd already had, and this looked like quite a few he thought disgustedly.  
  
"Dear, I'm so sorry we didn't make it earlier, but it is such a hassle to get into the city these days, the streets are bad, all those checkpoints, and the trucks…terrible." She sounded like she was at one of her high society parties. "So how are you?"  
  
"I'm okay, I guess," Logan answered uncomfortably.  
  
"How long until you are up and about again?" Jonas asked, his gaze following one of the young nurses walking by the room.  
  
"I'm not sure," Logan responded sarcastically. "Never?"  
  
"Come on, you are a Cale. We never let ourselves go. This stupid accident won't break your neck."  
  
"Already broke my spinal cord."  
  
"Logan, you know that I won't accept that. We'll get you the best doctors, therapies, whatever it takes. But you will recover quickly."  
  
Logan couldn't believe it, this was worse than he had ever imagined. What was that man thinking? "Why? So I can dance with the arrogant daughters of your snobbish business partners at the next cocktail party?"   
  
Logan had an edge to his voice Bling didn't like. The therapist couldn't believe his family acted like this, the people who were supposed to be there for him, support him, offer solace, they acted like he was an immature child that needed to be punished for a stupid prank. But he began to understand why Logan hadn't wanted to see them.  
  
"Logan, what you uncle meant to say was that we want you to get better soon."  
  
"Damn it, you know what? I'm not gonna recover at all! I got my spinal cord blown out, I can't feel my legs, let alone move them." He was screaming now. "I'll be a f****** cripple for the rest of my life, and there is nothing you can do about it. So face it: your nephew once more is the black sheep, an embarrassment to the family. And you won't be able to make it undone. Your damn money isn't gonna do you any good here!"  
  
"Don't talk to us like this…" Margo warned him, glancing insecurely at the tall man standing in the corner of the room. She felt uncomfortable that someone witnessed this conversation.   
  
"Excuse-me? You come in here, after more than two weeks, like I caught the flu! And then you're telling me to just move on, deal with it and get over it! It's not that simple!"  
  
He tried to sit up, but toppled back when the pain hit him hard. "Leave!" He tried to lay back and shift to a comfortable position. He just didn't have the strength.  
  
Bling was next to him immediately, still shocked be the argument he had just witnessed. This was not like he had thought it would be, and Logan hadn't seemed to be an aggressive tape pf person. But he knew that under extreme circumstances like this people tended to be easily irritated, and in this case he couldn't even blame him. "Easy there."  
  
"Go away!" Logan fought hard to hold back the tears that threatened to fall, tears of fury, pain, fear, and desperation. But he was determined not to shed them- at least not in front of his aunt and uncle.  
  
"This is not how I taught you to deal with obstacles, Junior. I thought you had learnt that."   
  
Jonas didn't want to give in, so Bling's only choice was to send a killer look at the older man. "I'm gonna ask you once more to leave or I'm going to call security."  
  
Without another word Logan shoved his wife out of the room and Bling finally could turn all his attention at Logan. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?" He eased him back carefully and gently massaged his sides as far as he could reach.  
  
"Yeah, I think so," Logan gasped. It took him a minute to catch his breath. Then he couldn't hold back any longer, the panic he had felt somewhere deep inside but which he hadn't been able to express now had surfaced. "It's just…how am I gonna make it? I don't have the strength. God, I can't live like this. Why didn't I die back then?"  
  
"You can't talk like this. You can't allow yourself to have those thoughts. Right now, you'll just have to function." Bling felt lots of sympathy for the lonely, confused young man in front of him "We'll get you through, I promise. I'll help."  
  
Logan looked at him for a long moment, as if he was searching for something in the other man's eyes. But eventually he turned away and shook his head. "I'm so tired. There is no use for me to go on. I just don't wanna live this way."  
  
"It'll get better, you just have to hang in there."  
  
Logan suddenly felt anger well up again. "How do you dare telling me to hang in there? Do you have a clue what this is like? No, you don't. Because you are STANDING right in front of me."  
  
"Logan, I'm here to help."  
  
"I don't want any help. If I won't make it alone, there is no sense in making it at all." He furiously glared at the other man. "And now please leave me alone."  
  
Bling sighed. 'Back to square one.' But he knew there was nothing he could do right now. Nothing he could say would make things better.  
  
But he would come back the next day Logan needed him, and sooner or later he would understand and learn to accept it. At least Bling hoped he would.  
  
"Good night, Logan. Get some sleep." With that Bling left and Logan was alone with his pain and confusion again. Just like he had wanted, right?  
  
**  
  
TBC… 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and do not intend to steal anything either.  
  
Have fun!  
  
CHAPTER 3  
  
The next week passed slowly. Physical therapy went considerably well, but Logan's frame of mind was another matter. He slowly started to let sink in what had happened, what this all meant for him and the rest of his life. Bling tried his best to support his new patient, but he soon understood that Logan was a loner in some sense. He apparently had to fight some battles alone.  
  
One improvement was his sitting tolerance. It wasn't half as painful anymore and he could sit upright for quite some time without getting too exhausted.  
  
Today, Bling had wheeled him to the huge window down the hallway so Logan could watch the busy street beneath; catch a glimpse of every day life that hadn't changed for all those people down there. For Logan nothing was the same anymore, but Bling hoped that he would be able to draw some comfort from seeing that not everything had changed.  
  
*  
  
"Logan?" A soft voice he knew too well addressed him. Grimacing in pain, Logan turned his head around and acknowledged the visitor with a nod. "Bennett." He was defensive, feeling very uncomfortable and self-conscious in the presence of his cousin, the guy he had spent so much time with, the guy he knew used to look up at his older cousin- now this would never be the case again.  
  
"How are you?"  
  
"What does it look like?"  
  
Bennett nodded, he didn't know how to address this man. This was not the Logan he knew. "I'm sorry I didn't visit earlier. I was on a business trip in Europe," was his awkward attempt to cover his insecurity.  
  
"Don't worry. Your parents passed by."  
  
"Oh…" Bennett saw the angry sparkle in Logan's sad and tired eyes. "What happened?"  
  
"They made pretty clear what they think. That I'm a total loser, that this is all my fault and that they won't accept a cripple in the family." The bitterness in Logan's voice was obvious, even though he tried hard to make it sound casual, like it didn't affect him.  
  
"You know how they are." Bennett shifted, not sure how to act. He couldn't imagine his parents had said those things openly, but he knew them well enough to know that this probably was exactly what they thought deep down- and Logan knew them as well.   
  
He looked at Logan- he had been like his brother, but this man was a stranger he didn't know how to behave towards.   
  
God, his cousin had always made battles sound easy, had made obstacles sound like challenges. He had always told his younger cousin what to do, how to prepare for fights. But now…Bennett knew that this time Logan wouldn't be there for him like he used to be, he wouldn't tell his younger cousin that everything was going to be alright, that it would only take some effort and willpower to reach a goal. For the first time in his life Bennett had the impression that Logan didn't know what to do, that he didn't know how to fight a battle.  
  
Logan's voice brought him back from his thoughts. "Yeah, now I really do. Damn it, I didn't ask for support or help, I didn't even ask them to come and see me. But then they came anyway, and all I would have expected was some semblance of understanding or acceptance. But no, they just showed me that I don't mean anything to them."  
  
"Logan, that's not true." Bennett knew that it was painfully true. Logan had always been the black sheep, the fifth wheel. But until now it had never really mattered to him, he had been strong enough to go through life by himself- now he wasn't. Now was the first time that he would need his family to pull him through. And he couldn't count on them.   
  
God, Logan was so much better in every way than Bennett and his brothers together. The only thing he had never been good at was to please his aunt and uncle. When he first came to live with them he had tried, but eventually he had given up on the idea that he would get praise or support from his "family".  
  
From that point on he had gone his own, independent way, and Bennett had always admired him for this courage.  
  
Logan was more clever, wittier, more handsome, more interesting, more charming, more…than he or his brothers would ever be. But Jonas had never seen it, or had never wanted to see it.  
  
"You know that it is." Logan's voice was cold and startled Bennett.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I do. Sorry," he finally admitted.  
  
"Not your fault."   
  
Bennett swallowed hard. Every time he looked at the guy across from him, he realized anew that this wasn't the guy he had grown up with anymore. His sparkling, lively , capturing eyes were emotionless, almost dead. He looked pale and thin, a lot older. The stress and pain he'd gone through were etched into his features. "How…how are you dealing?"  
  
Logan looked up, considering his answer for a moment. "Barely, but thanks." There was no use in lying. And the smile he tried to put on never reached his eyes.  
  
"I…I can pull a few strings, get you in rehab…"  
  
"I'm doing fine here."  
  
"Logan, look at you. You need…"  
  
"I don't need anything but functioning legs! I don't care if I'm here or at a luxury rehab center where my food's served on golden plates. It won't change anything, so don't bother."  
  
"Logan, please. Let me help you." Bennett tried again.  
  
"I don't want you damn help!" Logan screamed, hitting his fist against the wall, wincing at the pain that shot through his entire body, at least the parts he still felt. "Leave me alone."  
  
Bennett nodded. He knew there was nothing he could do. If Logan had made up his mind, it was final. That's what he had learnt about his cousin early on.   
  
Deep down he knew that the rules had changed. And that he, as the only member of the family that mattered to Logan, should stay and force Logan, but he felt uncomfortable and the little voice in his head that was a constant companion told him that his father would not approve of it either. He hated himself for being this weak, but he couldn't just stop it.   
  
"Okay, goodbye then. All the best." It hurt to leave Logan alone and in pain. But if that was what his stubborn cousin wanted, he could get it.  
  
**  
  
Bennett walked down the hallway, his head down, hand sin the pockets of his jacket, a deep frown on his face.  
  
"Mr Cale?" Bling stopped him before he entered the elevator. "I'm Bling, Logan's therapist." The two men shook hands. "You have to give him time," Bling tried to explain  
  
"Yeah, of course."  
  
"It's not personal. He is just pretty confused right now, and very easy to irritate."  
  
"Sure it's personal. You don't know him as well as I do. Logan knows what he is doing here."  
  
"He needs you."  
  
"I don't think so." Bennett shook his head regretfully. "He has always been a loner and he will fight this battle alone. This is how it's always been, ever since his parents died. My father never made anything easy for him. All that Logan has achieved, he has done it on his own. And this won't be different. He doesn't want me here, believe me. I'd known it, even before I came. But I still wanted to try, despite my better knowledge." Bennett laid a hand on Bling's muscular arm and looked at him with a sad smile. "Take good care of him, and if he ever needs anything, don't hesitate to let me know. Good bye."  
  
Bling looked after the young man as the elevator closed. He had hoped Logan would cling to his family, draw strength from them. But that wasn't going to happen. He had to step in and help out.  
  
*  
  
TBC…  
  
There is one more chapter to come! What do you think so far? Please let me know! 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Still the same as always.  
  
A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this. I haven't planned on making it such a long story, and maybe might even be a sequel one day. For now please enjoy the final chapter!!  
  
**  
  
CHAPTER 4  
  
"So that was your cousin?"   
  
"Yeah." Logan continued to stare out the window. At first he had felt peace and assurance at seeing the people down there, but now they were mocking him. They still had their lives, were moving on like nothing had changed. Only for him everything changed, and he couldn't even begin to understand how he should live his life like that.  
  
One thing was sure, he couldn't let his family be part of that, and if he continued to pour out his emotions like this he was making himself even more of a black sheep and loser when he showed them how poorly he adapted. After his parents had died he had eventually decided to put on a brave front, and it had helped, hadn't it? He would just have to do that again.  
  
He finally looked up at Bling and for the first time uttered a real wish. "Bling, could you take me home?" he needed to take care of his affairs himself. There was nobody left to rely on. He knew that situation, he would just have to focus. He just couldn't allow the loneliness and despair to work its way into his head. He'd been there before.  
  
"Logan, you are not ready to be on your own…"  
  
"I know," he hated to admit that, it made despair creep closer. "I just want to go there, pick up some stuff, check on some things."  
  
Bling looked at him thoughtfully for a long moment and Logan was about to turn away, when Bling finally answered. "Do you think you can handle the ride? It's gonna be painful."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
**  
  
Bling looked down at the young man seated next to him in the elevator. Logan's jaw was tight, sweat was standing on his forehead and his eyes looked vaguely glazed.  
  
This guy was in pain, but too stubborn to admit to it.  
  
Bling sighed. Logan drove him crazy, his attitude didn't help him at all, only he didn't seem to realize that. But still, Bling had not once thought about giving up on him, there was something about that guy that made him special. He couldn't quite place it, but he was drawn to him. Maybe it was that indistinct feeling that Logan didn't suffer this much because of what had happened to his legs. He had the feeling that there was something else going on in Logan's life that caused his pain. Something he definitely needed help with, and Bling would just have to be patient and wait until Logan trusted him enough to open up.  
  
But first of all, he had to find a way to give Logan hope, a reason to go on. Once that was accomplished he could worry about the rest.  
  
**  
  
The elevator stopped with a slight rocking and Logan couldn't quite hold back the low moan that escaped his lips. His back killed him, he felt like he couldn't sit upright for another second.  
  
"You alright man?"  
  
"I'm fine." Logan snapped back, gritting his teeth.  
  
"Keys?"  
  
"Chest pocket." Logan didn't feel like he could move his arm up that high and get the keys out himself.  
  
Bling took them out, eyebrows raised at his patient who stubbornly looked at the closed door. The therapist slid the key into the lock and then frowned. "It's not locked."  
  
"Impossible."  
  
"Still, it's open. I sure locked it when I left the last time." Bling stated. "Do you have somebody cleaning the apartment or something?"  
  
Logan looked up, confusion and an emotion Bling couldn't quite place but decided that it came close to panic, crossed his handsome face. But he controlled himself again quickly and hid behind the mask Bling already was accustomed to so well.  
  
"Be silent," Logan whispered as Bling wheeled him into the apartment. Immediately both men could clearly make out the hum of computers and someone typing in stuff at a very fast rate.  
  
Logan looked up, alarmed. "Great, and my gun's in the drawer in the office," he whispered.  
  
"Who's got a key?"  
  
"Nobody."  
  
"Wait here."  
  
"Bling, don't…" Logan hissed. He felt panic rise already again. He couldn't have Bling involved in this! He didn't deserve this! But there was not much he could do, he was trapped in that damn chair, almost unable to move.  
  
The tall, muscular man stalled him though and sneaked closer to where the sounds were coming from.  
  
Suddenly the typing stopped and instead Logan could make out the sound of movements, groaning and then a dull sound, like someone was crashing into the wall. Suddenly, Logan felt very vulnerable. He could hardly move, if that guy had taken out a person of Bling's built, he would be an easy target. Hell, he always would be an easy target from now on!  
  
Then he could make out a voice- a female one. One he knew! One he would always recognize!  
  
"What are you doing here? Who are you? Who are you working for?"  
  
Logan painfully pushed his wheelchair towards the office and found Bling pinned to the wall next to the computers by a petite, slim girl with black curls. He didn't have to see her face to know who she was. But what was she doing in his apartment?  
  
"Max," he said softly. The girl tensed and turned her head to look at him, regret and sorrow washing over her face at seeing him in the chair. He saw it, but in contrast to everybody else he'd met so far, who wasn't hospital staff, it was quickly replaced by her trademark look.  
  
"You know this guy?"  
  
"He's with me," Logan nodded and Max immediately let go off him. "Sorry," she sheepishly looked up. "I'm Max."  
  
Bling eyed her suspiciously but then shook her hand, accepting the apology, still stunned.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Logan asked.  
  
"I needed a computer and I assumed yours was free." She considered the guy sitting in front of her for a moment, he was a far cry from the arrogant cocky rich boy she had met before. Pain and exhaustion were clearly etched into his features. But behind that she could also see his strength and determination. That was what made her dare say the next words.  
  
"But now that you are here…remember that night I showed up, and you offered dinner? That still on I'd like to check this in now, if it's not too much trouble." She thought for a sec. "You could order Chinese food or whatever if your fridge is empty. Fine by me. As long as you buy."   
  
She gently smiled at Logan and for the first time Bling saw his patient smile, too. He nodded to himself in satisfaction. Now he had apparently found the key to Logan's healing process. Now there was hope.  
  
THE END 


End file.
